Caltrops - Reviews





	[quote name="FABIO"]When you first heard of destruction derbies, you probably thought it sounded like the coolest idea ever. What could be more exciting than a bunch of cars driving around smashing the shit out of each other? Then you actually watched a demolition derby on TV. What you saw was a bunch of cars milling around in the mud at 10 mph and crashes that would be labeled as fender benders out on the highway. You'd see shitty cars that seemed to be eliminated more from their shitty engines dying than from any impact damage. You'd see complete pussies spending the entire time in reverse because it's a better STRATEGY if you want to win that precious $300 prize purse and boo hoo my vagina hurts. Newsflash: nobody gives a shit about skill or who wins in a destruction derby. All we want to see is mindless destruction, and the lack of constant head-ons is a kill buzz. Yet in the back of your mind you're still interested in destruction derbies because, in theory, they rule. Anyways, with Tom Chick's latest reviews of Kohan 2, Dawn of War, and EoD, I've come to realize he approaches game reviews the same way. If a game rules <i>on paper</i>, then it rules period. Execution and <b>REALITY</b> mean nothing. Dawn of War vs Kohan 2? "I guess for some reason I had more fun with Dawn of War, BUT KOHAN 2 HAS SUPERIOR GAME DESIGN! WHY?!?!". He then lists Eve of Destruction as the 2nd best game of 2004 (Half Life 2 was #10, Burnout 3 most disappointing game of the year). Eve of Destruction is just endless awesomeness....<i>on paper</i>. You read all the features on the back of the box and are totally convinced that in now way can this game suck. You have- : Racing modes that include half the cars driving one way around the track while the other half drives in the opposite direction, races where the cars have to turn around and drive the other way after every lap, figure eight tracks, figure eight tracks with intersecting jumps, trailer races where each car has a trailer chained to their car, races with two cars chained to each other, so on and so on. : <b>SCHOOL BUSES!</b> : Driving a hearse while every other car tries to kill you. :<b>SCHOOL BUSES!</b> : Battle mode where you launch dynamite strapped chickens at each other. : <b><u>SCHOOL BUSES!</b></u> Holy shit, best game every, right? But then, just like a real demolition derby, all the theoretical coolness goes right out the window when you experience the real thing. The crashes suck. For worse, it accurately models demolition derby physics where all the cars drive around slowly fender bendering each other to death. Shouldn't the most important aspect of a demolition derby game be great crashes? Twisted Metal Black had more satisfying collisions, <i>as an <b>afterthought</b></i>. You can't even tell it's chickens that you're launching. The battle mode is extremely boring and feels like you're playing a slow twisted metal with nothing but power missiles. The awesome sounding school bus racing mode isn't a bunch of cars ganging up on a school bus (like the box shots will have you believe), but rather an ALL schoolbus race. So since all the school buses are the same mass, the crashes aren't any different and it's just like a normal race, only at one-third the acceleration. I'm assuming all the gorgeous looking screenshots are from the X-box version, because they sure as hell aren't from the ugly PS2 game. That doens't stop them from putting all the gorgeous shots on the PS2 box though. But Tom and his game designer buddies don't care about fun, or how the game actually <b>plays</b>. It's all about <i>design</i>. Burnout 3? Pshaw. Look at the features. Primitive physics that aren't anymore sophisticated than Outrun! I'm just steering a rocket on wheels! This is completely shallow by design. Who would want to play this? How could this be fun? Eve of Destruction, now THERE'S a game! Realistic physics (slow paced demolition derby driving with fender bender crashes)! Skill matters (hugging the inside corner on turns is all you'll need as far as skill, just like real (boring) racing)! I'm not driving a rocket anymore (I can handle the slow speed now)! Chickens with dynamite (I've never played a Twisted Metal game before)! How can this not be fun? Just look at the design <u><b>concepts</u></b>![/quote]