Caltrops - Cabaret Voltron





	[quote name="Colonel K"]You've left typos, so I'm guessing you haven't edited this yet. It needs polish, and the present tense narration is dull. Simple past, maybe? Why is there a 'vast silence' after a good idea has been announced? I might find that believable if you filled the vaccuum with, say, one of your Kafkawhateveresque comments (like the colourblind elephants - that's pacing, and it can effectively slow the reader down. Descriptions of silence make them jump ahead, not hold back). And this: "Tim hears the crack, but does so while half asleep. " It's double barrelled description; it's rough and it jolts and it's boring. Establish the point that he's sleeping <i>before</i> this comment, and distribute your descriptions more evenly. By that, I mean you shouldn't go: [quote]It lands on the cardboard package designed <b>solely to contain exactly three pounds of frozen pizzas</b>. He is beginning to suspect that his food has been tampered with by the government, <b>in an attempt to any potential hallucinations.</b>[/quote] Those drag on. If you're going to use comedic red herrings like these, keep them brief and irregular. Like this one, which worked: [quote]Tim stands up with authority and begins to closely examine <b>what he believes to be products of his delusional mind</b> [/quote] The last paragraph is pretty much perfect. Do more like it, and less like this [quote]"Yes. Learn to appreciate a significant death. That is why I asked if you liked cinema. By watching the certain movies, you will discover how death can be meaningful. The only problem is, it will be meaningful to others and not to you. Do not worry about that. As you float, bleeding down an icy river, all you must do is imagine music that compliments your descent from life. Then you shall feel something other than fear. This is effective if you understand that you will soon die. If you do not see it coming, then life will be extinguished before you get a chance to think about it. Now you are lonely" Four pairs of eyes glaze over.[/quote] It kills the Clockwork Orange effect. Burgess kept his dialogue short, or at least <i>consistent</i> if Alex started ranting. It's a short story, and you don't have the luxury of five 'original' characters unless you're willing to merge some. Make an identifiable pair (that <a href="http://www.tintinmilou.free.fr/ideogrammesnoms/dupontd.jpg" >Thomson/Thompson</a> type shit) or treat them like props. You've leaned towards the latter, but not enough. Try reading your work aloud, if you haven't already. It's a good litmus test for pacing, and coherence, which is more important in short stories and poetry where the readers see your every fucking move. [/quote]