Caltrops - Rants





	[quote name="Zseni"][quote name="Ray of Light"] The obfuscation and glamor I provide as a public service. Evidence, hon, that's my stock in trade. [ Names have been changed. All conversations live and recollected.] <b>Pam</b> is a big-titted artist who likes people to think she's dumb, for about five seconds. Home is filled with freakish and compelling art. Good at eye contact. She likes to say I have addictions; I say, "only to being awesome, baby". Me: what do you think of beef jerky? Pam: ... Me: dried strips of beef. See, it looks kind of like kelp. [I offer her some] Pam: it smells like dog food. Me: just try a piece. It's like cookies, but made of meat. Pam: [takes a stamp-sized piece, chews twice, spits it out] how can you eat that shit? <b>Sam</b> is a chunky brunette with a psych degree that I think she should ask for a refund on. Likes the books from candle stores, with one line of text per page. Hockey hair makes her look like a man, from the right angle. Me: jer- Sam: my dad likes that stuff. Get it away. <b>Kay</b> is a redhead and (I suspect) a kleptomaniac. Unshy. No pets. Car has dents. Owns a lot of hardcover books with mismatched jackets, because you can save a bundle by swapping them in the store. Kay: Whatchoo eating? Me: Jerky. It's good but most women don't like it [reverse psychology!] Kay: gimme some. [we're speaking on the phone, so I can't] Me: We're speaking on the phone. I can't. Kay: I think I had it once anyway. It gave me bad breath. <b>Fay</b> is a motherly mother, in her forties. Will talk dirty to anyone who'll listen. Drives like a cabbie, curses and all. Fay: Tell me that's not jerky. Me: I'll tell you it IS! Fay: [rolls eyes] It's full of nitrates. It will give you [inaudible] Me: What can I say? I like chewing on beef. This flavor is sweet and hot, my favorite. Fay: I got some beef you can chew. It's sweet. And hot. Me: [inaudible] <b>May</b> is skinny and bookish. Eyelass frames extremely delicate. Low tolerance for mess of any kind. Her bedroom always smells like fruit or vanilla or the seashore. The nonprescription contents of her bathroom would put many pharmacies to shame. Good driver. Me: [walks through door] May: [wrinkles nose] Eat that outside. <b>Bea</b> has two mastiffs. She's in her late thirties and single and not quite fit. She dresses frumpily and smokes a lot. Me: Would you like some jerky? Bea: [eyeing other people in the room like maybe I'm playing a prank; seems angry to have been singled out] No thanks. <b>Flo</b> rarely speaks. Doesn't like T.V. Outwardly, politely agressive toward any act of foolishness, especially when another woman is responsible. Always wears pants. Her dog knows nine different tricks. Me: [lean bag toward her, raise eyebrows] Jen: [single shake of head, looks away] <b>Nat</b> is a super-skinny suicide blonde, about 24. Into skateboarding but doesn't like to drive. Uses weird words like "nappy" and o.b. instead of Tampax. Obsessively flirty. Has postcard-sized portraits of semi-nude men hung in strategic nub-rubbing locations around her apartment. Her cats will shit in, or on, anything you care about. Me: want some jerked beef? Nat: [brief laugh, like you'd direct at a retarded person] No. Jerky is masculine, because these girls say so. Who will refute them? You? YOUR MOTHER? Forget it -- you're bad at being a girl, <i>by your own admission</i>. The idea is laughable. Ha ha ha![/quote] Ray? Ray, friend, sit down. What the girls are saying is "jerky is gross", not "jerky is masculine." Please find me the girl who ate the jerky, disliked it, and then reported "it's too macho." Charles Bronson is macho. Changing the oil while shirtless is macho. Beef jerky is a <i>snack</i>. You're bad at girls. Here's what I said originally: "Sorry but in the competition for raw manliness, even with the yaoi thing and the pizza thing, I'm still well in the lead of the you/Michief Maker/Ray of Light axis because I've never seriously discussed going in on a joint beef jerky purchase with STRANGERS. Zseni: Always Hard. " Now your burden is twofold: establish why you are obsessed with the masculinity of jerky and go ask all the girls whether going in on a joint purchase of jerky with strangers you met on the internet is manly. Why do you need jerky to be macho? I mean you're really quite the bruiser on this topic. [quote]<i>[brutal Vagembowelling on question of frugality=masculine? at the hands of Ray, followed by fat joke]</i>[/quote] Ray, frugality is not masculine. It's housewifely. A man takes me out for a date, rooters me right out to the all you can eat buffet, and announces "mmm, baby, watch me save money on your ass. You can eat ALL DAY in here." Do my loins quiver? No. Those big brute football players? They're wearing $500 shoes on the field and $2000 shoes off of it. Those warlords? The rich ones were the popular ones and the cheap ones traded on the promise of future not-cheapness. [quote]Or does it mean you should get in the kitchen and feign up some more confusion? "you're not making sense!" mm-good. "what's your point?" munch! "your post won't render on my windows XP!" Dee-lish. "You appear to be right, therefore I don't understand!" Feign feign feign feign! This put-on-puzzlement of yours cheapens all discourse.[/quote] Manic phase, plus projecting. [quote][quote]Nobody's contesting your mastery of yin energy, Ray. It's okay to tell me I'm bad at being a girl because 1. I am and 2. you're a master of yin energy. How is that helping your "jerky, me, my buds, and our mutual jerky purchase are macho" contention? Or are you just going for whatever points you can get now?[/quote] You've claimed it's feminine (or "gay"); I contend, and deliver proof to, the opposite. Why do you dodge my loving thrusts of reason? [/quote] Because you have your own made-up version of the whole affair, Ray, and then you have argued against your imaginary opponent <i>badly</i>. I've just been trying to get a word in edgewise in the conversation between you and Ray's Pretend Zseni. [quote]I mean, it was YOU who called me. You went to the secure website, punched in the Visa, clicked the link in my confirmation e-mail. So I show up at your door, all "ma'am I've got this whirlwind I need you to reap" and you're all "I ordered no whirlwind and that wasn't me and besides no one's home go away". Nice try, but this is business at the speed of internet and that big tree you're riding out the storm beneath is actually my dick leaves and all and it's growing in moist soil on moral high ground so there's lightning coming right for it and that lightning is a metaphor for my hand, all fixing to grip it and tip it and yell joyfully: <b><big>Check! Mate!</big></b> Ray![/quote] I hate amateurs. I thought this was going to be fun. Oooo, matching wits with Ray, this will be a peach. That's what I thought. The whole thing was too fucking manic; it was less like Two's Company and more like Three's Company. There were no deft turnarounds, no incisive little references to delight in, no pointed puns - it got to the point where I started thinking "hey, he's not actually playing at all. He's <i>serious</i>." Then you started with the come-on lines and talking about your dick for hours. What was that all about? Do you think I have sko dick phobia, or do you actually believe I'm interested in how you feel about your penis, or did you imagine you were being funny? Tewt's right. You're dead. And look what you've done to ES and BDR.[/quote]