Forum Overview :: Rants :: Faery Penises

[quote name="Sildenafil"]Chapter 1 Boring Ass Prelude Sidhe cock. Faery penises. I don't exactly blame them, but damn it... I suppose this one should start at the beginning. It's a good enough fucking place to begin this farcical tale. Far be it from me to levy any charges at my fellow being for whatever fetid little sex act they'd like to perform, be it the missionary position to urethral insertions. After all pornographers have to make a living and for some this is a healthy catharsis keeping those Joes and Janes from gunning down yours truly whilst he waits in line at your local gas station or scooping out his testes with a melon baller in his sleep. Now to prevent any readers who've come this far from falling into a cataleptic fit I'll make with the summary. 1) We were young and stupid. 2) There was sex, lots of juicy sex. 3) Somewhere I mistook co-dependency for love. 4) Did I mention the sex thing? Yeah and so we were married. Didn't take a pregnancy to get me down in the oh so swank County Clerk's Office, what with her 80 dollar wedding band(we promised buy mine later of course.) Being a lazy fucker of mums I let her join the military. After all she came from a line of people in the Service and look at their marriages? Insert Irony here: Father is a chronic alcoholic suffering from liquor induced seizures, cirrhotic liver the size of a small child, divorced from the wife he lives three houses away from and has for the last 10 years. Seems he was discharged from the military due to the fact he mistook his sidearm for a bottle of Jack Daniels. Mother talks to Jesus. Not your prays to the cross for chewy nuggets of salvation, but bona fide rap sessions with Jesus Christos, the one, the only, the savior dude. I found out the car accident which had flung her 18 some odd feet onto her HEAD was somewhat responsible for her revelatory capabilities. She loves to tell the story. A fucking pity she could never seem to remember she had, but I can say this: Funnier every damn time I heard it. Chapter 2 Yaoi, homos and faghags oh my! Free Form Fantasy Roleplay Online. It was and is her passion. I'm not talking any of the current deluge MMORPG's or another clone of Bioware's Baldur's Gate. We would not be divorcing if this were so. No, I'm talking about a chat room in which Java has no claws. Essentially it’s a quickly loading message board in which you type your text, click on a button marked ‘Post’ to display it and click another button marked ‘Reload’ see what that elf with the lazy eye has done in response. No dice, no stats, just the faux interactions of marionettes. Don’t grasp this? Though not and that’s why it’s…. Example time! (In the chat world the posts would come in reverse, newer cycling closer to the top, but because we don’t exist in that fucked up fantasy land I’ve decided to make it easy to read…relatively speaking) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ NEW: ReallyPrissyElf joined the chat at 03:31:56 NEW: ReallyPrissyElf 03:34:34 *With a tight ass and long blonde hair to match this sylvan watcher deigns to grace the other patrons with her presence. She has ass hugging pants of a…pant like variety and one of those peasant blouses that rock. Don’t forget the exaggerated heroine sheik and pointlessly pricked ears.* NEW: HornyHuman 03:34:34 *looks up from his drunken stupor and judging by the billfold bulging in ye olde trousers this liquor was definitely watered down. He nods at the elf with the tight ass and ridiculously proportioned physique* Hello, ridiculous and self defeating stereotype of every pubescent male’s masturbatory fantasy. Might I buy you a drink? NEW: ReallyPrissyElf 03:34:34 *she titters a laugh behind a palm* Why not fuck me instead, silly manling? ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Glossary of Crappy Colloquial OCC=Out of Character Comments, usually denoted in double parentheses Char=Character or the avatar by which one assumes LoL, LMAO, RTFLMAO=All that annoying ‘Net speak you already know and if don’t, well then I’m surprised you’re here and not doing the Special Olympics proud. This was her world, be it writing down intricate histories for each and every one of her ‘chars’ to design of yet period outfit to drape them in. Figures that a woman would manage to accessorize even in a non-corporeal setting. Now as far as hobbies go I assumed this one was tame, on par with sort of deviants who still twist knobs on Ham Radios in hopes of human interaction and the sort of people who quote Tarvosky. I even indulged her by crafting a few chars to look all spiff and AD&D stereotypical. Now I know what you’re thinking. She fell in love with one of these jackfucks? If only it were so simple my fellow sojourner. Love wasn’t felled by the ministrations of some rotund, pocket protector bearing Geek with his soulful ballads. I could handle such competition. In fact I’d have welcomed that to the truth. Chapter 3 Nurturing the homosexual pedophilic rapist inside us all What happened then, you cry? Faery cock and sidhe penis. She wanted one and so she got herself one. Now I can understand the vicarious thrill of wanting to slip free of gender-typed roles, to revel dimorphism. It even lent a depth to this rather shallow game of Regency Romance Online that I thought it sorely needed, some creative expression that wasn’t directly lifted from R.A. Salvatore and all the other fantasy hack novelists. Having a penis and not being able to use it? As any man can attest we’d fuck homeless man’s ocular cavities for that ball tingling sensation we call ejaculation. I’m assuming that’s how it started. Only she wanted other men…only these man had to be pre-teen, preferably with a shy stutter and glasses. Not only did she want to wet a wick, but to take from them their anal virginity—i.e. Rape. So here I am with a wife who wants to be the Fabio equivalent Sidhe Prince with long blue hair, draconic wings and a penchant for practicing sodomy on –unwilling- (though through the course of things they ‘came’ to enjoy it) pretty young bishounen boys. Yeah… ”But only with you, honey. I don’t want to with that, it’d be the equivalent of phone sex of visiting a bath-house” Cybering, for me, has always occupied that weak sauce level of masturbatory material one sinks to when all the good Porn has been confiscated by angry mothers and when you can’t even get some decent pulp with the faded pictures. It’s like jerking with a numb palm, sure one doesn’t like it, but eventually it gets the job done. What the fuck, if it makes her happy? And she says she’ll want to do it only with me. For a woman who’s tolerated the sight of me with my shirt off it is the least I could do. I loved her and in loving believed she had my best interests at heart. To question her actions would to be showing my own insecurity. And fuck, the sex afterwards was amazing. I’d found the Viagra for her soul. Chapter 4 Deeper down the canine ‘A-hole’ Things went on, lies progressed. No she wasn’t RP’ing. Just talking, just talking with some friends. Lemme check my E-mail…for three hours solid. To make a long story short my soon to be Ex-Wife was the catamite of catamites. She liked to experiment in various fetishes that ran the gamut from pony play to orgy settings replete with, BDSM, and leather play, all conveniently woven into a fantasy setting. Top or bottom, human or elf and even a case I read (in one of the meticulous logs she kept) where she fucked a were-dog in its bestial state. It didn’t matter. As long as it was hot, oiled and suitably homosexual then she was on that ass like white on rice. The kicker was that almost all her partners were females masquerading as males. I guess knowing what it is like to have a penis defeats the thrill of having one fed conveyor belt style into waiting asses. Yeah and before I get labeled a pink triangle toting Nazi™ and ripped to teeny-tiny pieces, then those said pieces are fed to small terriers, I must say I love homosexuals! Get your gay on brothers and sister. Without you San Francisco’s Castro District would…well…be less gay and the Village Voice would surely not resonate as clearly. I know Oscar wouldn’t have been quite so happy in a world without. Rue Paul? You go girl. Hugo Weaving you go from “Priscilla, Queen of the Desert,” to Agent Smith and back to Elrond of hobbit lore without a blink of an eye. You guys roxxors the boxxors. In fact this all struck me as tame. Sure it had its well oiled kinks, but we’ll get to me and what I thought of this later. Chapter 5 Mushroom Stamps of Love Now how’d I’d find this out, where was the cyber lingerie littered? Homoerotic art one of her partners, in fact her prime partner (she’s married too), had depicted on her little artist nook of Elfwood Fantasy Art. And lookie, here’s a convenient link! -Deleted for Anonymity- Go, look. She’s taken down most, but -------? That’s one of --------- (EX)’s chars. The bastiche she disclaimers? Yeah, that’s me. Woot! In short I confronted and found out she loved this form of sexual palaver more than anything else. In her own words, “It’s the only thing to give me happiness.” More power to her, but fuck me with a barbed wire condom if I will be set aside for…an activity, a leisure time game. I found there were the reams of conversations, meticulous she was, in which I saw years of vitriol and hate espoused for yours truly. Oh and the credit cards. How the fuck do you max out two credits you hid without having anything to show for it? I really wanna know. Now I remember the airport, her traveling to her next Army Duty station and my stubborn insistence that now I would not be joining her. Famous last words, “You will never find anyone who can be fucking honest. It doesn’t exist! Now hand me my god damn bag.” No lies, that’s all I dunn be askin’ massah man. Now of course I am no saint. Lordy lord, nothing hath the fury of a woman scorned save that of a man deceived. In short I went like a bitch to her mommy and told her in explicit detail why I would not stay married to her daughter. In all honesty I think I would’ve enjoyed it if she’d really been able to provide visual aids. In the end I got a promise that Jesus would look out for me. So here I am, nigh penniless and with two suitcases of clothes to my name. I’ve moved back home with my family, a family I’d rather shove a glass rod up the tip of my urethra and shatter with a quick slap than be with again, avoiding sleep to write this all out. The moral of our story? Don’t trust Fae fucking penis, cocks and or dicks! P.S. And if you ever happen along –deleted for more anonymity- chat and see one ---------? Take a raping from my EX for me. Send all complaints, and there will be many, to Sildenafil666@yahoo.com [/quote]