Caltrops - Peter Molyneux's The Movies





	[quote name="WITTGENSTEIN"]I could only stomach the first 30 minutes. This fucking show feels like it was written by one of the most insufferable pricks on 4chan you could ever meet, the one who went to EVERY Occupy and Scientology protest and hung out in chatrooms with weev mixed with a Whitewolf writer from the 90's who did all those Vampire: The Masquerade and Werewolf: The Apocalypse books. First five minutes - meet your main character. Creepy guy with serious aspergers. Okay. He uncovers that a coffee baron is also running a child porn ring. AWESOME. Babbles something about TOR networks not being safe because he can see it on the LAN traffic. That'll teach that S.O.B. to put his child porn server farm on the same network as his wi-fi. Okay, retarded, but plausible. Now we see he works for a cybersecurity corp. He is helpfully reminded they have a dress code at this white collar job. Everyone else is wearing slacks and polo shirts and he's wearing a hoodie. He takes off the hoodie. No anime screen button-ups or ironic catchphrase t-shirts from this guy, nope! He's got on slacks and a respectable shirt. Why didn't he just take off the fucking hoodie to begin with? Autism I guess. His best friend who is a girl IRL and also works at his business is engaged to a douchebag who doesn't look like he belongs here. He's an idiot, a common theme throughout this fucking episode. Everybody that our paranoid schizophrenic encounters is secretly a douchebag and an idiot save for like two people. Our creepy stalker protagonist knows all about Brogrammer because he hacked his Facebook page. His password? 123456. Great. Oh, and in case you didn't already think that Brogrammer was a douchebag our autistic main character explains, narrating to the camera that he likes George W. Bush's biography and (gasp) Transformers 4. MASSIVE ROLLEYES OFFSCREEN. Can you BELIEVE this prick?! Of COURSE he has a shitty password, man! Now he's in a session with his therapist. His therapist has shit for brains. He's hacked her password too, which is only slightly less bad. He knows she's gone through a divorce and is striking out with guys on eHarmony. He mentions during their session that he knows she's lonely. Because she is a terrible therapist she's not creeped out by this AT ALL even though she asks how he knows, then just drops it. He explains how he's mad at society and it comes off like the retarded screed of a crazed college campus shooter or again, some Occupy shithead. Fuck society man, why do we all look up to Steve Jobs when Chinese laborers make our iPhones?! Why do we read the Hunger Games when Obama's committing drone strikes in Pakistan maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan?! Back to his office. We find out his company's major client is "E-Corp". He nicknames them Evil Corp. Why? I dunno. They have their hands in everything, and that's <b><i>like....bad, man.</b></i> To drive this home, E-Corp's logo, I <b><i>FUCKING KID YOU NOT IS THE OLD FUCKING ENRON LOGO. ENRON LOGO.</i></b> Enron's execs tour the office of the company they've outsourced their IT security to. Their CTO is an old guy who clearly is not a techie because he uses a <i><b>Blackberry, EL OH EL FUKKIN NEWB AM I RITE</b></i>. Later we find out instead of taking his anti-crazy pills to deal with how his mom beat him he takes morphine instead. When he runs out he smokes weed and gets righteously laid by his dealer who has a cyberpunk haircut and sleeps naked in bed. At this point I'm picturing in the writer's room several fat-ass nerds smugly grinning over their stomachs, pleased that they've imitated their favorite show, Game of Thrones. Sex! Drugs! Conspiracy! Only with guys with aspergers! Later on he gets called by his panicked blonde best friend, who tells him to get down to the office. Enron is being hacked! Stupid bitch doesn't know what to do. It looks like a DDOS, dialogue by paranoid schizophrenic confirms it when he mentions their servers being hit from multiple places. Then suddenly he has a breakthrough. "Actually....I think it's a rootkit". As if on cue, stupid blonde asks "What's a rootkit?!", like the exposition woman in Hackers. How did you get hired at a cybersecurity firm, lady? Fat asian nerd explains that it's "like a serial rapist". Because he's a fat asian nerd with no social skills! The dialogue in this scene can roughly be summarized as: <img src="http://art.penny-arcade.com/photos/217521921_7GXmh/0/1050x10000/217521921_7GXmh-1050x10000.jpg"> Anyways, their boss gets all serious and says "We need the jet". Cue to them suddenly flying a fucking Gulfstream to Dulles where I guess Evil Corp's co-location facility is. Why? Because remotely rebooting all the servers isn't EXCITING. He plugs directly into the network and does some off-screen magic to make sure that the one infected server with the rootkit doesn't reboot along with all the others. I guess pulling an ethernet cable out of the goddamn rackmounted unit wasn't an option. Whew. Crisis averted. Thank you paranoid schizophrenic autistic man. After this, as they're sitting on the learjet. His boss says "Did you know I'm gay? No? Well consider this my coming out to you." I stopped watching there. [/quote]