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[quote name="Mischief Maker"]<H2>The Top 10 DS Games</H2> With the 3DS unleashing a wave of headaches across the land, now seems as good a time as any to rate the top 10 games to come out on the most successful console of this last generation. Unlike most DS top lists, this list is going to be from the viewpoint of an adult who plays his DS primarily to distract during long distance commutes. Buying a DS just to play at home is a prospect even more depressing than that Alienware commercial where the guy is playing Doom on his laptop at the coffee shop, presumably to mooch off their free wifi, and the actress serving him coffee tries awkwardly to follow the direction of, "Okay, the joke is that he's oblivious to the world in a public place and looks like a weirdo, but don't look <I>too</I> weirded out! In fact, try and look a little turned on!" #10 <A HREF="http://www.mobygames.com/game/bangai-o-spirits" TARGET="new">Bangai O Spirits</A> A Free-roaming version of <A HREF="http://nagoya.cool.ne.jp/o_mega/product/e2.html" TARGET="new">Every Extend</A> with a Giant Robot theme and an obsession with kicking your DS' graphics processor in the balls. <A HREF="http://www.actionbutton.net/?p=335" TARGET="new">Other Websites</A> have been a teensy bit overenthusiastic by saying Bangai-O renders all other videogames obsolete forever, but it is a blast to play. Just bear in mind that you <I>must</I> speed run the levels, plowing past the regular enemies toward the mission target, and bombing whenever you're cornered by missile swarms. Slowly and meticulously picking off every obstacle ruins the game. Fun in small bursts, it’s the DS’s replacement for Wario Ware ever since they gave up and released <A HREF="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kJGQVsYhQMU" TARGET="new">Wario Ware: Fuck it, make your own goddamn games!</A> #9 <A HREF="http://www.mobygames.com/game/nintendo-ds/grand-theft-auto-chinatown-wars-" TARGET="new">Grand Theft Auto: Chinatown Wars</A> As always for the GTA series, an amazing technical accomplishment, rendering this gigantic city in 3D on the fly with no pauses for loading areas. The drug dealing <A HREF="http://www.iancgbell.clara.net/elite/index.htm" TARGET="new">Elite</A> mechanic is an incredibly fun new way to avoid the awful campaign missions in a GTA game. I can't believe that it's the 7th or 8th title in the series and it's only <I>now</I> that they got the idea to incorporate <A HREF="http://dopewars.sourceforge.net/" TARGET="new">Dope Wars</A> into their open world crime-spree games, (especially that it didn't occur to them until <I>after</I> they got the idea to incorporate <A HREF="http://www.caltrops.com/review0014.php" TARGET="new">Animal Crossing</A> into GTA 4!) People who <A HREF="http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/657-Grand-Theft-Auto-Chinatown-Wars" TARGET="new">complain</A> about getting wanted stars from offscreen cops and toll booths are idiots. Sedate uneventful commutes delivering goods from Dealer A to Dealer B are not what make for a fun game. High speed chases with the police while all your money is tied up in a satchel full of heroin, then crashing cop cars to erase the wanted stars <U>are</U>. The main strike against the game is that, as always for the GTA series, the controls are an awkward and frustrating mess, especially once you throw a stylus into the mix. Great as it is, I'm not surprised this game bombed. <I>It's a GTA game you play in public!</I> The first time I started it up, I noticed a woman looking over my shoulder right as the screen had a huge image of a girl lying on the ground with blood streaming out of her mouth and nose and the subtitle, "Ling! What the fuck?!!" Oh yeah, GTA:CW was designated to Hotel room duty <I>only</I> after that. #8 <A HREF="http://www.mobygames.com/game/nintendo-ds/ninja-gaiden-dragon-sword" TARGET="new">Ninja Gaiden: Dragon Sword</A> Using the old Resident Evil trick of 3D characters on a pre-rendered background, this is hands down the best looking game on the DS. The touch-screen controls are incredibly simple, fast, responsive and a hell of a lot of fun. It’s not a real deep combat system, but there’s a certain visceral satisfaction to actually tracing the slashes across the bad guys. Considering all the DS games that look like they could have easily been released on the SNES, it's refreshing to have a title that shows off how this handheld is indeed more powerful than a PSX. My only real complaints about the game are the strange ways Team Ninja tried to gear it to the DS' intended child audience, like forcing Ryu to hang out with a bunch of irritating ninja kids between levels, removing all traces of gore, or only using a hideously deformed demon woman with half a face as the game's sex object. #7 <A HREF="http://www.mobygames.com/game/nintendo-ds/tony-hawks-proving-ground__" TARGET="new">Tony Hawk’s Proving Ground</A> I hear people all the time say that Mario 64 (and the DS port) is this ageless classic that’s still fun today. Seriously? Because THPG is a superior 3rd person platformer in every way. It has bigger environments chock full of secrets to discover and minigames to play, a selection of protagonists way more acrobatic than Mario or Luigi ever were, and a lack of Mario 64’s archaic camera system that was a greater threat to your survival in that game than the enemies themselves. The only strike against THPG verses Mario 64 is that THPG has a serious case of the Brown ‘N Greys. Thanks for rendering the filthy decaying cityscape that most real life skateboarders use to train so realistically, guys. It’s not like I’m playing your game for escapism or anything.. #6 <A HREF="http://www.mobygames.com/game/nintendo-ds/advance-wars-days-of-ruin" TARGET="new">Advanced Wars: Days of Ruin</A> The <A HREF="http://www.mobygames.com/game/gameboy-advance/advance-wars-2-black-hole-rising" TARGET="new">best</A> DS title in Nintendo’s premiere portable strategy series, but it tried its damndest to make you hate it. From a pure gameplay standpoint this is the most balanced AW has ever been. The simple experience system for units discourages using attrition tactics. Loading COs onto specific units creates a nice “King” unit to mix up attack priorities and give you an option for disrupting the enemy's <A HREF="http://www.atomictoy.org/comics/buttlordgt/buttlordgt.html" TARGET="new">HUGE! HUGE! HUGE!</A> super power meter. But Christ on a pogo stick, why did they have to take AW's bright, cheerful visuals and silly story and turn it into a SERIOUS LESSON presented in brown-o-vision? Was there some kind of public outcry that impressionable teens would turn to video games for moral guidance and start a world war because AW made it look like good clean fun? Sorry, video game developers, but when you write a character whose sole personality trait is that he tells bad jokes at incredibly inappropriate times like he's got some irritating strain of Tourettes, Tolstoy you ain’t. #5 <A HREF="http://www.mobygames.com/game/nintendo-ds/spider-man-web-of-shadows" TARGET="new">Spider Man: Web of Shadows</A> I’ve sung the praises of this game in greater detail <A HREF="http://www.caltrops.com/pointy.php?action=viewPost&pid=133010" TARGET="new">before</A>. A DS game that not only captures the gameplay of <A HREF="http://www.caltrops.com/pointy.php?action=viewPost&sid=1&pid=50060" TARGET="new">Devil May Cry 3</A> in a way that no other imitator succeeded in, it actually improves the combat in several respects. Plus with half the environments covered in Giger-esque alien goo, it feels more like a proper Metroid game than the two official DS Metroid titles ever did. #4 <A HREF="http://www.mobygames.com/game/nintendo-ds/valkyrie-profile-covenant-of-the-plume" TARGET="new">Valkyrie Profile: Covenant of the Plume</A> This is the game I THOUGHT Disgaea was going to be based on the box blurb. This is the game I was PROMISED Rondo of Swords was going to be by <A HREF="http://insomnia.ac/reviews/ds/itsuwarinorondo/" TARGET="new">a certain nutjob</A>. It’s a definite love-it-or-hate-it title based on the wildly varying review scores, but for me it’s the best SRPG on the DS. The big thing this game does is admit that SRPGs are less a battle of wits against a cunning opponent and more a game of bait-and-pile against simpleminded AI drones. Each battle your antiheroes are outnumbered and must not only defeat the larger enemy force, but surround each individual in formation and so completely overpower them that the finishing blow sends their HP deep into negative number territory, netting you "sin" points. There's a minimum score you need to reach per battle, and exceeding that minimum gets you a huge bounty of free items, including permanent stat-boosting ones. The other big wrinkle in this game is that when a character attacks an enemy, all the other characters in range attack as well (and can attack multiple times per round this way). The flip side is that your enemies do the same thing, and bad character placement can get half your team wiped out in a single round. Throw in a lack of random encounters for XP grinding and this is the most challenging and unforgiving SRPG I've ever played. It's also nice that the game has rotatable textured 3D arenas that look better than the original Final Fantasy Tactics, unlike a certain game I'll get to later. Unfortunately the game is made by Square Enix who specialize in games that can be finished by people in persistent vegetative states, so they added a panic button. Using the magic power of the game's <A HREF="http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/MacGuffin" TARGET="new">Mac Guffin</A>, you can max out the stats for one of your teammates and breeze through a battle, at the price of that teammate permanently dying after the battle ends and pushing you ever closer to the bad ending. You can use a maximum of 4 characters per battle and you get at least 1 new one every chapter. If you can't resist using this item, this game may not be for you. Finally, this game is even funnier than Disgaea. It's supposed to be all dark and tragic, but it's written by Square Enix and the result is the funniest shit since <A HREF="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l8PxA6IVdYo" TARGET="new">The Happening</A>! "No, Ersatz-Satan! Don't make me kill the odious comic relief character and send his soul screaming into the depths of hell!" 3. <A HREF="http://www.mobygames.com/game/nintendo-ds/metal-slug-7" TARGET="new">Metal Slug 7</A> I can't speak for how this game ranks in the entire Metal Slug Series, but it kicks the shit out of <A HREF="http://www.caltrops.com/pointy.php?action=viewPost&sid=1&pid=71947" TARGET="new">Contra 4</A>! It's a glorious run-n-gun platform ballet of explosions. A huge selection of weapons, gigantic and beautifully animated bosses, attacks and hazards you can see coming, secrets strewn everywhere, a level where you pilot a 2-story tall battlemech, and... a dating sim? 2. <A HREF="http://www.mobygames.com/game/nintendo-ds/sid-meiers-civilization-revolution_" TARGET="new">Civilization Revolution</A> I don't care that the graphics are ass, the sound is almost non-existent, and the AI is a cheating bitch, because the distracting power of this game will DEVOUR a long plane flight. It's like a speed chess version of Civilization with a smaller map and all the fat trimmed from the unit list and technology tree, but all the insanely absorbing megalomania intact. Just be careful you don't get too drawn in, it's very awkward to have a stewardess telling you, "sir, the plane has landed, you have to leave," only for you to snap back, "No! Not until my Jihad is complete!" 1. <A HREF="http://www.mobygames.com/game/knights-in-the-nightmare" TARGET="new">Knights in the Nightmare</A> Another game I've lavished praise on <A HREF="http://www.caltrops.com/review0058.php" TARGET="new">before</A>. What more can I say? Every other great game on this system can best be summed up with, "It's _____, <I>only portable!"</I> In an entertainment medium where 90% of the content is based on <A HREF="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dsx2vdn7gpY" TARGET="new">Aliens</A>, KitN's plot is based on <A HREF="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IZThHw54rvs" TARGET="new">King Lear</A> fer chrissakes! More creative and genre-bending than a bucketfull of <A HREF="http://www.mirrorsedge2d.com/" TARGET="new">Mirror's Edge</A>s, in my opinion it's the best game on the DS. <H2>The Top 5 most disappointing games on the DS</H2> I’m not in the habit of spending money on games I think I’ll hate. I'm sure these games are miles away from the <A HREF="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3BYvPC3aUi0" TARGET="new">worst</A> the DS has to offer, but of all the games I was expecting to enjoy, these were the biggest letdowns. 5. <A HREF="http://www.mobygames.com/game/nintendo-ds/spider-man-shattered-dimensions_" TARGET="new">Spider Man: Shattered Dimensions </A> My only previous experience with Griptonite Games being the excellent Web of Shadows DS, and the fun but short <A HREF="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ssHQA8YGMTw" TARGET="new">Assassin's Creed 2 DS</A>, I was fully expecting this game to kick all kinds of ass. Alas, while this game sounds like a total improvement on paper, in practice it's a complete failure. Shattered Dimensions replaces WOS' mobs of blobby 2-3 move enemies with small groups of enemies that have higher quality models and a crapload of moves. Sounds great, but it doesn't matter that the enemy has a whole swiss army knife of moves when you've got him stunlocked and there's barely anyone else on the screen to worry about. To up the Metroid flavor, special moves are no longer bought with combat experience orbs, but gathered in hidden containers, giving even less reason to fight the baddies. Finally, the game's achievements are unlocked by speed-running it under various conditions and you happen to be playing a character with the agility of <I>Spider Man</I>. Guess what all these elements turn the game into? A brawler where you're doing nothing but avoiding fights. And why is it Web of Shadows, which primarily took place in the sewers and subway, had these enormous environments where you could leap and web swing through the air while Shattered Dimension's Manhattan skyline level doesn't even let you get above the 2nd floor? Plus the boss fights suck. They really suck. 4. <A HREF="http://www.mobygames.com/game/nintendo-ds/infinite-space" TARGET="new">Infinite Space</A> I came expecting Space Opera, I got incest hentai instead. The one good part of the game is the Tetris minigame where you fit components into your hull squares visually, rather than limiting things with abstract tonnage numbers. Unfortunately, this game turns out to be an even worse tease than <A HREF="http://www.caltrops.com/article0031_04.php" TARGET="new">Galactic Civilizations 2</A> because fleet combat is literally one-dimensional. Your starfleet acts as a single unit with aggregate stats. You move toward the enemy, let off a volley once they're in range, then run out of their range while your weapons recharge. Rinse and repeat. The game tries to mix things up by adding a basic rock-paper-scissors system of attack styles, but the AI only picks Rock or Scissors. The initially steep learning curve is the fault of the game's shitty HUD. The controls are touchscreen-only, but all you're doing is pushing buttons, at max about 8 of them. The worst of both worlds! So the gameplay is crap, what about the plot? It actively punishes you for advancing it. The motivation of first boss, the dictator of your homeworld who forbids space travel because he's too old for it and jealous of the youngsters (not intended to be a joke), is Infinite Space at its least painful. At all times it is made clear that pirates are the dominant military force in the galaxy and the one thing they're busy doing is rape. Pirate bases are filled with sex slaves. A waitress you're trying to recruit into your crew is kidnapped, raped, and then gets a bomb surgically implanted in her to try and kill you. Even the Bishonen in your crew nearly gets raped by pirates who mistake him for a girl at first, then decide he's close enough. The main character is being monitored by aliens from afar and one of the first things they do is implant the memory into his brain that the girl they're using as their spy is his beloved sister. So he takes her into his crew and all sorts of creepiness ensues because the main character's "sister" REALLY makes it clear she wants to jump his bones. Worse, the rest of the crew is catches on and starts saying things like, "You two sure act more like boyfriend and girlfriend than brother and sister, are you sure you're related? Because, I mean, if you're not <I>really</I> related it <A HREF="http://www.caltrops.com/review0012.php" TARGET="new">doesn't count</A>!" while the main character is all, "No that's gross, dudes, she's my sister!" It was right around this point that I quit the game. Star Fox Command, aka. "<A HREF="http://www.caltrops.com/pointy.php?action=viewPost&pid=55520" TARGET="new">Help the furries find true love</A>" is less creepy and a better Space Opera than Infinite Space. 3. <A HREF="http://www.mobygames.com/game/nintendo-ds/legend-of-zelda-spirit-tracks" TARGET="new">Zelda: Spirit Tracks</A> Fuck me! I bought a DS to DISTRACT me from my commute! This miserable flash game is all about taking long trips, staring at empty scenery, honking at animals who wander in your way, and avoiding being hit by asshole road hogs. I haven’t really played a Zelda Game since Ocarina of time but what the hell? An expansive overworld where every tile could hide treasures or dangers wasn’t good enough for you? It was that fucking rumblepack fishing minigame, wasn't it? You had to go and turn Zelda into a cavalcade of bullshit minigames after that, didn’t you? There IS eventually some traditional Zelda dungeon crawling, and how can you fuck that up? Oh, I know! Make it so the very first weapon you find is not activated by a button, or even a stylus motion, but by BLOWING INTO THE MICROPHONE! “This is the Captain speaking. Folks I want to let you know you can get a great view right now of the biggest dork in the world. He’s sitting in seat 27C and doing Lamaze exercises into a video game device. We have turned off the fasten seatbelts sign so you may properly stand up, point, and laugh.” I traded in this turd faster than <A HREF="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-om1qtBdc4Y" TARGET="new">Little Red Riding Hood's Zombie BBQ</A>. 2. <A HREF="http://www.mobygames.com/game/nintendo-ds/viewtiful-joe-double-trouble" TARGET="new">Viewtiful Joe: Double Trouble</A> HUGE disappointment, especially since this game is a very close 2nd to Ninja Gaiden for best looking game on the DS. Unlike Ninja Gaiden, this is a perfect example of how NOT to do stylus controls in an action game. Before you even start playing, there’s this thing during the opening cut scenes where every 5 sentences the scene comes to a halt and you have to drag a photo slide (?) up the touchscreen to advance the scene. And if you get impatient and just make an upward flick, the slide will only go up as far as your stylus went, then slide back down into place. You are not half-assing your way through our bullshit busywork QTE, young man! Now drag that slide all the way from the bottom to the top and advance this cut scene like you mean it! That’s just how picky the touchscreen controls are to activate your powers in real time, while pressing buttons, in the middle of an action packed fight, your Vfx power bar draining the whole time. What a miserable clusterfuck of a game and a terrible swansong for the makers of <A HREF="http://www.caltrops.com/pointy.php?action=viewPost&sid=1&pid=57213" TARGET="new">God Hand</A>. 1. <A HREF="http://www.mobygames.com/game/nintendo-ds/final-fantasy-tactics-a2-grimoire-of-the-rift" TARGET="new">Final Fantasy Tactics A2: Grimoire of the Rift</A> A deliberate attempt to destroy everything that was good about the original Final Fantasy Tactics, or the well meaning but completely misguided attempts by a high-functioning autistic to improve the game? I mean, if you want to add demihumans to FF:T, I guess Moogles and Playboy bunnies are easier to differentiate at the DS' resolution than halflings and elves, but who would want to play a pack of furries? I guess adding one-arm-behind-your-back "laws" you must follow is a way to increase the challenge, but the player is going to be more annoyed by them than anything. I suppose a plot that can be summed up as "we're playing a MMORPG, join our guild before the giant chicken eats you!" gives an excuse for plentiful battles and encounters, but it doesn't exactly make for a compelling narrative. Yeah, taking away the ability to custom choose your characters with the job system and instead drip-feeding new skills through random item drops... no wait, that just plain sucks any way you shake it. Was this a GBA game that got delayed for the DS? Why are the battlefields static drawings? What happened to scaling castle walls to lower the drawbridge and let your party inside? What happened to battles raging across multiple levels and fully rotatable maps? Where's my <A HREF="http://www.caltrops.com/pointy.php?action=viewPost&pid=136221" TARGET="new">magic miniatures</A> map? I think I can say nothing more damning about this game than the only nice thing I can think of to say about it. It's refreshingly colorful, compared to the majority of my top 10 games. Too bad the original Final Fantasy Tactics was only released on non-portable platforms like the PSP, it could have been the ultimate travel game.[/quote][/quote]