After several ragequits and scrapped parties I finally beat this motherfucking cocksucking game. I’d like to say it’s because I’m so hardcore, but in truth over the last few years of playing my DS in public, even gfx-envelope-pushing games like Ninja Gaiden and Solatorobo, the Dark Spire was the only game that caused strangers to stop and say to me, “Excuse me, sorry to interrupt, but WHAT IS THAT GAME???” multiple times. So I felt obligated to beat the motherfucker.

Art-direction-wise this game gets a perfect 10/10 on the Fussbett Fable scale. It looks like a nightmare. The visuals are all bold colors against black, the camera angle is always a little “off” and even lowly goblins are drawn to look like nasty needle-toothed fuckers you would never want to meet without a baseball bat handy. These visuals wouldn’t look out of place in the movie suspiria. Etrian Odyssey 3 is almost completely superior in terms of gameplay, but that game sadly looks like anime shit. The Dark Spire looks like a dangerous fucking place, the conquest of which would be a mighty achievement. No wonder it attracts so much attention.

Everything else is negative. All the worst parts of D&D RPG mechanics wedded to a “difficulty” that can be summed up as “the Random Number Generator says Fuck You.” Liberal use of the game’s ability to save anywhere is necessary to keep the frustration to a manageable level.

There’s a game-breaking exploit that will make the first 3 floors a breeze, relatively speaking. Only front-row heroes can be hit by melee attacks and if you set your formation to “heroic” only one character will be in the front row taking damage. Well in this game the characters are all naturally multi-classed and while wearing incompatible armor or weapons will stop you from casing spells, it doesn’t stop a character with 1 level in Thief from hiding in shadows. So if your single front-line fighter has a level in Thief and hides in shadows? Nobody takes his place, all the enemy attacks against him are cancelled, and next round all the melee-only enemies will only be able to defend.

Unfortunately the game fights back with its own bullshit: breath attacks. Spells can ruin your party or the enemy in one hit, so the game has a rule that if either you or the enemy get an ambush attack, nobody can cast spells that ambush round and destroy the other team before they can get at least some chance to fight back. Except breath attacks. They can be used in an ambush round, hit the entire party, never miss, and later in the game cause crippling status ailments, too. The true final level is crawling with such enemies and the only way I can beat them is to grind out a team of 4 wizard characters, then grind their dexterities to max for the initiative boost, and even then hope like hell the RNG doesn’t say “Fuck You.”

So I got the first 2 of 3 endings. The game makes all kinds of hay over the fact that the True Last boss is God. Commute or no commute am I going to do the grinding necessary to kill God? No.

Fuck this game. If you’re even slightly intrigued by the idea of playing a western-style RPG on the DS, get Etrian Odyssey 3 instead. Much better game, just doesn’t look unique.

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Mischief Maker

This game would hands down be improved by a DMC-style combo meter instead of the God of War type one. This would also imply that it had some cool dodging rather than using the dodge button to make fun of Arkham Asylum countering. Well that or it’s a simple joke, I guess it depends if you thought Arkham Asylum combat was a little dumb with all the countering or not.

The humor isn’t bad. Deadpool might have a case of the not gays, but it’s not really the main focus of the humor. Some idiot on reddit described it as “Too much Duke Nukem, not enough Bugs Bunny.” he is an idiot, however.

The controls are OK on keyboard. I tried it on a controller and felt like the trade-off of losing FPS aiming for less clunky swordplay wasn’t worth it. The constant switch between generic hack and slash and generic shooting is the best thing the game has going for it

Only 3 hours into it and I’m halfway through the third chapter so I’m guessing it ends up being 6 to 8 hours. Probably not quite worth 40 bucks, you can get it on gamefly for 31.99 with the code GFDJUN20, if you really want to take a look. It probably should be 30 bucks flat across everything.

I’m playing the game on the hardest difficulty, I always do this if a game has 3 difficulties until it gets too frustrating and I drop it down. It’s reasonably unforgiving but mostly because it feels like there isn’t a good answer to when enemies start shooting at you as you’re doing sword combat. You just have to shoot those guys first or melee fight somwhere else. Maybe upgrades fix that?

The whole upgrade system is probably a little unneeded it’s there but things feel too expensive mostly. I can’t imagine I’ll be fully upgraded by the end of the game, which is weird. Certain upgrades cost many times what weapons cost, so I guess the designer wanted me to unlock all weapons before upgrading my swords all the way?

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Worm

The Humble Bundle is a fantastic way to get a number of “indie” (well… sometimes they are indie) games at a low price. Or you can buy it at a high price – the Humble Bundle lets YOU choose. Surely, nobody could possibly be against this, right? Right? RIGHT?

Not so fucking fast. Here’s Worm to tell you why we shouldn’t play them.

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Worm

Thank you, Jerk City, for giving us the gift of HGLAHAGLUA

Watching contrarians try to spin this has been fun, because it’s really fucking hard to. There’s the tactic of saying what’s a negative is really a positive and ignoring all the other criticisms. Gizmodo, being a Gawker site, tries that approach.

Gamers who consider their core hard have always thought of Kinect as just some gimmick Wii-successor that they’d never use because true gamers use analog sticks or fight pads or morse code or something. And maybe the first Kinect was like that. The Kinect 2 on Xbox One? Completely different. It’s truly an extension of the controller without the constraints of a controller.

Because we all felt constrained by out analog sticks and morse code.

With Kinect, controlling the Xbox One is no longer limited by the number of static buttons on the controller. Imagine pointing at which enemy your AI partner should focus on. Or cycling immediately to your pistol or grenade with a quick hand gesture. Or motioning your troop to stop with a halt. Or cornering a turn in a driving game by leaning. Or calling for timeout in Madden like you would call for timeout in real life (okay, maybe that’s a gimmick). And that’s just what I thought of in 30 seconds. If you gave real game developers time? They’d blow away all the useless tricks we made fun of on the 360. We can’t judge Kinect today without wondering it will do for us tomorrow.

The only one he’ll acknowledge as a gimmick is the Madden example, which is a joke because the entire Madden franchise is one huge gimmick.

So don’t think of Kinect on the Xbox One as a Kinect you’d never use. And don’t think of the Xbox One controller as the only way of controlling things. That’s just needlessly limiting your view. They could stay different. They could become interchangeable. But they won’t exist without each other anymore. A Kinect is now a part of every Xbox controller. Is that really worse than slapping a trackpad onto every controller?

Yes, it fucking is. Christ, I bet most of the Gawker sites were pretending to care about the NSA scandal, but the internet has a consensus? We must forget all that and print some clickbait.

Yahtzee goes for the idea that everything sucks forever so who cares?

I worry we’ve all been focusing on Xbone too much lately, so quick reminder: the PS4 share button is bloody stupid and I hope Sony explodes

RPS is also confused as to why people are talking about this stuff, but they’re more too bored to be nihilistic. They’re so bored they can’t wait to tell you how much.

E3 2013 is in full swing, and – against all odds – it’s actually featured a few rather interesting developments. But there’s also been a lot of blah. And some bleh. And a whole, whole lot of yadda yadda yadda. I’m at the show, and I’ll have heaps more for you soon. For now, though, let’s start with the cream of the crop, the nextest of the future-gens.

Of course all the games listed are on PC/consoles, because only games that remain pure to the PC can be interesting. First comment?

roryok says:

this whole post seems like a big whinge.

Hahahaha. RPS has gotten to a point their commenters are telling them to fuck off.

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skip

1. Super Mario Bros. (NES, 1985) [EDITOR’S CHOICE: GOLD AWARD]

SMB is the best because it’s the purest. All subsequent Mario games would dumb down the physics to one extent or another, giving you more control over Mario after he was already in the air. But that would neuter this game, a laser-focused left-to-right (you can’t even scroll the screen backwards) momentum-based action game built around mastering the run and jump maneuver to make Mario land exactly where you need him to. To this day, it’s the Mario that’s most like a pinball table. The version in Super Mario All-Stars is still pretty fun, and it’s how I finally played The Lost Levels (which I ended up enjoying way more than Super Mario Bros. 2 USA), but they changed the way Mario bounces after smashing a brick, making everything slower and floatier and at least 25% less like pinball. Criminal!

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FUCK OFF, ORGEENIC!

A hearty, sincere thank-you to TDARCOS for this amazing original content. We all enjoy the cooking videos.

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Commander Tansin A. Darcos

I remember playing Shadow Warrior when it was a new release – the Build engine really was incredible. There’s a few sites that talk about what sort of games made them the waste of space gamer they are today. Man, the Build engine really had an effect on me. Okay, we all laughed at TekWar, but if I remember correctly, we were hit up with Duke Nukem 3D, Shadow Warrior, Blood and Redneck Ramage. How many engines are capable of four games like that? Okay, plenty of them, but still. What a great series of games.

Unless you’re part of the fists-against-eyes offenderati, I mean. Worm explains. But let’s not not play the Shadow Warrior reboot!

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Worm

The effects of methamphetamines on the human body are well documented. The drug provides users a euphoric experience by overloading the brain’s dopamine receptors to the point where they burn out and are no longer available to function. Short term users of the drug report an inability to feel “as happy” as they used to; long term users report an inability to feel happy about anything, ever. Behavioral changes (often permanent) for users include paranoia, delusions, aggression, hallucinations, and more. Physically, meth constricts blood vessels and restricts blood flow, causing damage to the addict’s skin and specifically his or her gums, causing rapid tooth decay and loss. The sensation of having “bugs under the skin” often causes those on the drug to pick and scratch their own skin off. There is a notoriously high infection rate of hepatitis and HIV/AIDS among users of the drug due to the sharing of needles. Those the drug doesn’t kill quickly often find themselves homeless, in prison, or worse.

Based on that description one might be led to think that no sane person would ever try meth, much less use it on a regular basis. But the fact is, people do. Anyone with access to cable television knows that methamphetamines will unequivocally ruin their health and wreck their lives. Meth contains lye, the primary ingredient in drain cleaner. It contains ammonia, which can permanently affect your lungs by breathing it in a single time. It also contains lighter fluid, hydrochloric acid, brake fluid, Drano, ether, red phosphorus from matchstick heads, and of course, ephedrine. And the best part is, drug manufacturers have no incentive to change their product because people keep coming back for it. Like moths to a bug zapper, it gets ’em every time.

The first documented case of meth mouth.

This brings us to Microsoft’s newest console, the Xbox One.

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  Everyone knows the story about the boy who wants to be a wizard. At first, he leads a lackluster existence, living with uncaring caretakers and sleeping in barely-habitable quarters. His circumstances vastly improve when he makes his way to a school for blossoming spellcasters, where all the teachers have funny names and the students play some fictional sport loosely influenced by real world ones. It isn’t long before our hero discovers sinister forces are afoot and finds out that he has long been destined for greater things.

That hero, of course, was Ernie Eaglebeak. The year was 1990, the game was Spellcasting 101: Sorcerers Get All the Girls, and the author was Steve Meretzky– although this plot was doomed to be ripped off by hack authors for years to come.

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The “Xbox One” is the dumbest name for anything. It is the dumbest name for a consumer electronic in human history, at least. I always believed that the name “Wii” would stand alone as the dumbest name. Wii phonetically sounds like penis. “Xbox One” is worse because, and I can’t believe I have to say this, but because this is the third Xbox system, and the original one was just called “Xbox.”

Maybe “One” refers to the number of times a particular game can be sold, what with them trying to kill the used market.

… It’s astounding just how stupid that name is. I hope they name the 4th Xbox “Original Xbox.” I hope they name the next one “Colecovision.” I hope that there is some stupid, stupid fucking person at Microsoft that saw the terrible name for this system and sees it as a challenge to be overcome in 6 years.

How did something this dumb come into being? Here’s a quote:

When Senior Principal Creative Director Carl Ledbetter and his team set out to design the Xbox One, the only rule they had is everything had to be drawn without lifting a pen. “If you can’t,” he says, “it’s too complicated.”

How clever! You better be thinking that these very special, gifted people are clever as well. That’s the point, you see. That is why they told Wired, who gleefully published the quote like it was an Adrian Lamo chat log.

But I guess the Xbox One won’t contain switches anywhere because the pen has to lift. Or a battery. Or many other basic building blocks of electronics.

Dumb fucks.

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Ice Cream Jonsey