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| Bill Dungsroman, whydirt & FABIO |
10. Grow a Pair, Nancy.
Stop crying because someone wrecked your fairy tale magic princess tea party by
suggesting maybe your FAQ should ease up on the meandering digressions and get run through
a spell check. Those squiggly green lines aren’t commending you on a clever turn of
phrase, you illiterate clod. There is such a thing as constructive criticism, and
sometimes You suck at writing please stop forever is constructive. For us, anyway,
and aren’t we more important?
9. Your Credentials Are Entirely Unimportant
I’ve played every BIS D&D game, plus the old Gold Box Series, plus NWN and 500
of its user-owned modules, plus I DM a PnP game every Sunday! Are you done? Fine, now
would you mind so terribly explaining to me where the first dungeon is in Icewind Dale
2? Shut the fuck up, I don’t care how well-versed you are in being a complete
loser phantasy gamer Drizz’t, just tell me where the Lich hangs. Your
requirement for writing a FAQ is to have played the goddamned game, not to have blown your
entire introverted youth preparing for it. I’m knocking it out in one go, I could
care less about your self-proclaimed Ph.D. in Imaginary Swordplay. Also, shut the fuck up
about whatever game currently has your dainties in a wad while writing a FAQ about another
game, the one I want to figure out. If you find yourself typing Why are you playing
Jedi Knight (in the Jedi Knight FAQ) when you should be playing Onimusha,
please erase it forever immediately. I want to be a Jedi, you clownshoe, not a dink
swordswinger in metal Hammer pants. THAT’S WHY I’M READING YOUR FUCKING JK FAQ.
8. It Ain't That Great, Toolstoy.
Nobody will sell your half-assed Labor of Love for a plugged nickel, Mr. Wilde, so shut
the fuck up about DO NOT REPRINT THIS FOR MONEY WITHOUT MY PERMISSION (which I won't give
so don't ask!)!!!! It's for fucking free on the internet, nobody cares. It's a fucking FAQ
for a stupid game nobody played and the game sucked anyway. People would punch me in the
balls if I tried to sell them your babblings for a fucking dollar.
7. Your Sweet ASCII Graphics Are Anything But.
Your awesome title logo is cheesy, your maps are illegible (and totally go to shit when
you cut and paste them). Just lay it out in crisp text and leave the heavy duty artwork to
somebody with an ounce of talent. The Devonian GameFAQs layout does you no favors, give up
already.
6. Keep Your Dirty Version History to Yourself
Oh, you ate half a bag of miniature Snickers and played with your recently neutered cat
while watching Hee-Haw reruns on your plasma TV as you wrote your most recent
update? Isn't that special? No actually, it isn’t at all, because I’m trying to
read How to Actually Play Dungeon Siege and Not Just Watch It, not The
Unbearable Lightness of Being a Catass. I hate you and your shabby excuse for a
personal life, keep it the hell away from me.
5. You Aren’t Funny.
Not even a little bit. That cute little part you appended with an emoticon or three? Not
that either, especially not that. GameFAQS: it’s like stand-up comedy, without
the standing up or the comedy. Just remember this small tip from your Uncle Bill: Everyone
is funnier than you. Save the jokes for the fat chicks who work the graveyard shift at
Der Weinerschnitzel. They’ll laugh as long as you’re paying for the chili
dogs.
4. Speak English or Die.
Sorry Anders, Wolfgang, Stefan, Sanjit: Game FAQs is all in Anglish, so eak-spay or
don’t other-bay. I am sorrys but enlgish isn’t my langage of firsts.
Yeah, no shit, Yakov. Just run it by the 42-year-old guy pretending to be a 12-year-old
girl cybering with you and get him – or her, if we mustn’t spoil the
delusion – to parse it into something at least as legible as Babel or JeffK.
3. Let Me Know Before I Skip Something I Can't Do Later in the Game.
95% of the time I'm using a FAQ, it's because I'm anal and don't want to replay boring
parts of the beginning of a game over and over again to get shit that only appears one
time. If I need a diamond necklace to help me out later, maybe you ought to tell me not to
sell it when I find it.
|  | | | | I got a hold of Toucan Sam here when I typed 'GameFAQs' into Google Image Search, so I am going to assign this Fruit Loop the role of Atom Edge, 1983 (?) - present. (Atom breaks several of these rules in the first page of his linked MegaMan FAQ.) | |
2. Get a Editor, Any Fucking Editor.
I don't care if it's your mom, just print a hard copy and go upstairs and ask, you
rambling fuck. No game guide should top 100 printed pages, unwrapped text or no. Control
your ghey urges when you CANNOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH!!!!! for some point nobody cares about.
Just fucking say "Pick up the Red Key, it's important." Or just say "Red
Key" and we'll figure it out. Three run-on sentences about it is killing me, Smalls.
This is a fucking FAQ, a walkthrough or character guide or item list, not the Great Queer
American Novel. More Larry King ("The Holy Avenger is a good sword...") and less
Stephen King ("It's the sword you see my dear redrum, it's the sword and you
must play the chud and stare into my deadlights and Randall Flagg will give
it to you (die)!") and everyone goes home happy.
1. Rosebud Was Your Fucking Sled
First off, I can't think of any FAQ off the top of my head that required plot spoilers to
help you out. However, if by some godawful chance you can't give a hint without some kind
of spoiler, MEL GIBSON'S CHRIST don't fucking put them in your Table of Contents or your
peachy keen character overview in your introductory section.
There are three types of FAQ spoiler:
I. Ones that are clearly marked *FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MASSIVE SPOILER!!!!!*. Nice of
them to let me know. Half the time though, they never mark the end of it and I can never
tell when it's safe to start reading again. Naturally, the rarest of the three.
II. The totally out of left field spoiler. Example: For Planescape: Torment, a
walkthrough explains in The Fortress of Regrets how you activate different machines to see
the d—AAGH!! SHUT!!!!!!!!!!! UP! Is there a spoiler warning? For the most tragic and
surprising part of the entire game? No. Why bother? Typing SPOILER AHEAD is way too
taxing, and no fun at all.
III. The "Are you that fucking stupid putting spoilers in the table of
contents?" table of contents spoiler. Example:
Final Fantasy VII
VI. Walkthrough
A. Midgarde
B. First Continent
C. Junon
D. Gold Saucer
E. Ruin right before Aeris dies
F. Aeris' death
G. After Aeris' death
or, my favorite and most common table of contents spoiler
III. Bosses
1. Urkel
2. Alf
3. Hefty Smurf
4. Kujo
5. The character that starts off as an ally but turns out to be the villain's right
hand man OOPS DID I JUST SAY THAT?
6. Name of the last boss. (Jesus, you mean you HAVEN'T beaten this game fifty times on
super hard mode with a perfect S ranking like I have and are still on your first run
through? You deserve to have the plot spoiled, then!)
 Bill Dungsroman, whydirt & FABIO
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