This is it, this is Dead Rising 2’s complete ‘Controls’ menu. Complete and unedited, which you can totally tell, because I would not let an edited version keep Uncanny Katie around.

Looking at the review averages for this game, it’s pegged at about 77%. HOW? It lacks one of those most basic interface options in PC gaming, rendering it unplayable. “Hmm, if you don’t like the default controls, the game is unplayable. I give it………………….77 PERCENT!” Jesus Christ, did no one notice this? Did anyone think it was important enough to bring up?

IGN reviewer Greg “Fuckface” Miller wrote:

Similar to the original, the guide arrow at the top of the screen can be finicky and certain boss battles did have me on the verge of hurling my controller (there is keyboard and mouse support, but I prefer using a gamepad)

I prefer to use the mouse and keyboard. Thanks for mentioning it sucks. Asshole. This is the only mention in the entire review about controls. No, “PS, you can’t rebind the controls.” Who would want to know about that on the PC? PSH.

Gamespot review Tom “Smell My Nuts” McShea wrote:

The Bad

• Long and frequent load times
• Controls are not always responsive.

That’s from the summary right at the beginning of the review. It’s bad that the controls are not responsive. Not bad? That the controls can’t be changed. Also: not mentioned.

Gamespot review Tom “Smell My Nuts” McShea wrote:

Chuck works just as well if you opt to use the keyboard and mouse combination, though it is disorienting to shake the mouse to toss zombies off of you.

It’s also disorienting to use buttons you’re not accustomed to because you can’t change the fucking controls.

Gamespot review Tom “Smell My Nuts” McShea wrote:

but it’s a shame the controls in Dead Rising 2 aren’t more precise.

It’s also a shame that they can’t be remapped. Would have been nice if someone mentioned it. Might be something people are interested in if they’re going to buy the game.

I’ve never heard of Game Industry News wrote:

While this may not be something that many will notice, the game is filled with references to other Capcom titles and even the first Dead Rising. One of the more humorous one to me was that the movie theater has a poster up for MegaMan 2, while Dead Rising had a poster for MegaMan. It’s nothing major but as a fan of Capcom games I appreciated it.

This guy notices the subtle differences between a fucking Mega Man poster, but not a glaring omission from the control options. Ladies and gentlemen, your premier source for PC game reviews.

I’ve never heard of Gaming Excellence Either wrote:

Controls are awkward and animation feels stilted.

Why are the controls awkward? Anything specific you want to mention? No? How about you can’t change the keybindings.

Who are all these people? wrote:

If you have the option, consider getting the PC version over the console versions, as it’s a very solid port and runs well.

OH BY THE WAY, YOU CAN’T CHANGE THE KEYBINDINGS. Is what I would have said right after this sentence. The readers might have wanted to know.

Game Zone reviewer B. “Stands for Beef” James wrote:

And therein lies Dead Rising 2’s biggest flaw: the presentation. It starts immediately with the painfully long load times; menus freeze for upwards of an entire minute, moving from one area to another gives you ample time to chew and swallow three bites of Chipotle (my method of time measurement),

Guys, I found the fattest review of Dead Rising 2. Go ahead and read the whole thing, because it gets even fatter. Then bookmark this post to save yourself the time of finding it the next time you read a fat game review and get the idea to start a “Fattest Game Reviews” thread in the Katamari forum.

He doesn’t mention anything about controls, but he’s also reviewing the Xbox version in the PC section meaning he and the site’s editors are idiots. And very, very fat.

Cheat Code Central is another site staffed by morons. At the top of their review are links to the XBox360, PS3, and PC reviews, but they’re all the same review, word for word, right down to including mention of using the “left trigger.” They have those on keyboards now? Can you rema- oh fuck it, you get the point.

Other reviews that didn’t even mention anything about controls:


Gaming Target


Giant Bomb


ComputerGames.ro

And this is where we’re at with PC game reviews. Over a dozen reviews on the internet, and not a single one mentions the lack of an extraordinarily important feature that’s been a part of every PC game since….ever? It’s completely ridiculous that this option wouldn’t even exist, but the people getting payed to tell us about this shit are too busy loling at Mega Man posters to notice. It’s not even an obscure option, it’s fucking keybindings. I noticed it in the first 10 seconds of starting up the game. I can’t be alone in immediately going to the keybindings when I play a game.

I do have to make a special positive mention for another site I’ve never heard of before, Gamer’s Daily News. They still didn’t mention anything about lack of keybinding support, but it was pretty jawdropping that they added an extra page to mention specific major problems with the PC version and a few troubleshooting suggestions. I totally had the first problem with not having GFWL installed, and I’m quite interested in knowing that my gamepad may not even work as an alternative. This is information people should know! In a review! It’s downright responsible of them to include it! Holy Christ, has Gamer’s Daily News secretly been the best review site on the internet, or is Jim Cook the best reviewer on the internet? Or both? I don’t know, but I’m keeping an eye on this guy. This guy’s got potential.

	The arrow points to quality reviewing by Jim Cook, played here by Sullivan. The part of shitty controls will be played by the axe, and I guess you get to be Lulu. Will you choose Jim or choose to hide the axe from Lulu?

Rafiki