Editor’s note: Did you know there’s going to be an extra-gritty, realistic take on a new Mortal Kombat movie? It’s by the guy who did some version of GLEE. The author of this post was too lazy to in-line the fake trailer, and so am I, but you can see it here. When that gets removed from Youtube, try searching for “Mortal Kombat Rebirth.”

Jerry Whorebach was consulted on what roles the characters ought to take. Before he was deported, this is what he presented.

LOU KANG

– Louis “Lewey Kay” Kang

– Earthrealm fashion designer

– travelled to Outworld in search of new materials

– found instead the perfect models – crucified human slaves

– fights to free “his people” (as in “Have your people call my etc.”)

JAX

– Abel “Apple Jax” Polanski

– granted the power to choose any form he desires

– chose “black guy with bionic arms” as it was most physically potent form he could imagine

– although posesses the capacity, has never attempted another form (“Once you go black etc.”)

JOHNNY CAGE

– comes from a future where Johnny Cage never died, instead going on to win the tournament and procreate more than any man in history

– as a result, everybody in the future looks like Johnny Cage and is named Johnny Cage

– this Johnny Cage had only moments to escape in a time machine before the temporal disturbance caused by Johnny Cage’s death rewrote the timeline

– still a tragic character, knows even if he wins he will have to fuck 10,000 women, any one of which could be his own grandmother

– did I mention he’s gay, bam double tragedy

KINTARO

– originally conceived for MK II as half-man, half-tiger

– final mixture was closer to 99% Goro, 1% tiger stripes

– apparently prototype fursuit “looked retarded”

– my design: 98.5% babe, 1% tiger stripes, 0.5% bikini

– bikini number possibly too high?

BARAKA

– is a Muslim now

– everything else pretty much the same

– has potential to be most controversial change

– should be handled with sensitivity

LEX LUTHOR

– not technically an MK character

– so well-integrated into story and gameplay of MK vs. DC, it’s now impossible to imagine a new MK without him

– possible trademark violation

SOME NINJAS

– tag-team of six colour-coded elemental masters who live in a van

– must return to van to “tag out”

– mysterious; may in actuality be as many as six guys or as few as one