Reviews 2002 – 2011
This site is about games! And having loud (right) opinions about them. Read on.
ASSASSIN’S CREED:BROTHERHOOD (360)
If your pussy is still sore from the canned animation in the first few games you may want to invest in some ointment or salves before playing this one.
THE TALE OF ALLTYNEX TRILOGY (PC)
Sometimes you want to fly a spaceship blasting white-hot electric death at gigantic robot-tanks instead of a fat little girl exploding fairies by tossing prayer cards at machinegun speeds. Sometimes you want to play a videogame that only the most grimly determined pervert could use as jerk material.
SORA (PC)
I am John Travolta, Caltrops is Uma Thurman foaming at the mouth, and this indie shmup review is a huge syringe of epinephrine poised and ready to stab. This is a highly anticipated game and almost nobody in English has an article about it. Bring on the new blood!
DRAGON AGE: AWAKENING (PC)
The price is a bit steep at $30, but otherwise it’s a very good expansion.
BREAKDOWN (360)
It’s pretty bad when even Wired Magazine is laughing at how obsolete you’ve become.
STARCRAFT 2 (PC)
This is RTS perfected, is what it is. All extraneous nonsense removed.
MASS EFFECT 2 (PC)
After I finished my second playthrough of Mass Effect 2 on the PC, I was shocked to realize that I wanted to play it through yet again, beginning to end.
WORLD OF WARCRAFT: WRATH OF THE LICH KING (PC)
We will simply tell the story of our short playthrough on the patch test realm, and how we changed warth of the litch keeng and made the game better. ^_^
RAFIKI’S POST-HOLIDAY ROUNDUP
Here’s another list of games I’ve played in the last few weeks or months conveniently reviewed after it could possibly matter.
KNIGHTS IN THE NIGHTMARE (DS)
It features aspects of SRPGs and shoot-em-ups, but a third, unlikely genre casts a long shadow over this game: football management.
DEMON’S SOULS (PS3)
It’s officially past nerdy import and into “fetishized by morons and normal people alike” territory.
BRÜTAL LEGEND (360)
The most brütal game of the year, reviewed by all three brüddas.
[PROTOTYPE] / inFAMOUS DOUBLE REVIEW (PS3)
The Blob played through both of these games, for you.
DEVIL MAY CRY (PC)
As far as the story, you will come to loathe Nero.
THE SPIRIT ENGINE 2 vs. IFFERMOON (PC)
Let’s look at two recent indie RPGs.
BRAID (360)
I don’t think anyone can figure out, with authority, what the game really is about, unless Jonathan Blow comes over to your house and tells you to your face.
BIONIC COMMANDO REARMED (PC)
This is the first game that is actually worse with co-op.
BIOSHOCK (PC)
This review contains some spoilers.
NEVERWINTER NIGHTS 2 (PC)
Your characters are going to look GREAT dying and through the reloads.
XBOX 360 LIVE ARCADE (360)
The analog sticks are still easier to use than the punchcards and vacuum tubes Jerry needs to operate his current computer.
WORLD OF WARCRAFT: THE BURNING CRUSADE (PC)
There’s not much burning, and it isn’t really a crusade, but you know me, I don’t like to complain.
WARHAMMER 40,000: DAWN OF WAR (PC)
Dawn of War will throw the word “taint” at you about 5 times per cutscene.
COMMAND & CONQUER: GENERALS (PC)
Just spam tanks. Spam tanks and you win.
SMUGGLERS 3 (PC)
If I get a mission telling me to kill an enemy on the other side of the solar system, I just double-click and BAM! I’m there!
OBLIVION (PC)
Now that I’m recovering from my appendectomy I can try to get the next 60 hours in.
WORLD OF WARCRAFT (PC)
The entire game’s story is summed up as “a bunch of consonants separated by apostrophes.”
PRINCE OF PERSIA: THE TWO THRONES (PS2)
The Two Thrones joins Devil May Cry 3 as 2005’s official third game apology for the shitty second game.
S.L.A.I. (PS2)
If this game doesn’t become a Rez-level-sought-after underdog on eBay in the future, there is no justice.
ACTION HALF-LIFE (PS2)
The team who made this are fucking losers, and the people who attempt to perpetuate this mod are fucking losers too.
GOD OF WAR (PS2)
It took ’til the end of its lifetime, but the PS2 finally has its own Halo/Metroid Prime, and it’s better than either of them.
XENOSAGA EPISODE II: JENSEITS VON GUT UND BOSE (PS2)
By the time I came to… there was blood and chunks of raw flesh in my hair.
VAMPIRE THE MASQUERADE: BLOODLINES (PC)
God help the vampires that got in my way.
BURNOUT 3: TAKEDOWN (PS2)
It is — and I want to stress this here and again — the dumbest video game of all time.
MESSIAH (PC)
Interplay and Shiny games always smack of “extremely ambitious bargain bin failures,” the kind of games where, after a few years, they seem like they could be made as free mods for much bigger modern PC games.
SILENT HILL 4: THE ROOM (PS2 JAPANESE IMPORT)
Hey, did you like the movie Ringu? I hope so, because Japan sure did, and it’s showing up heavy in Silent Hill 4.
KING’S QUEST III: REVISITED (PC)
DOSbox makes KQ3 a possibility once more. But is it worth it?
TACTICS OGRE: THE KNIGHT OF LODIS (GBA)
Tactics Ogre is much more than German National Socialism brought to life by your Game Boy.
FARCRY
Before, some developer would make this huge island area in just the first level of this game, and then be done and sell that map as a game where you can “run around a realistic realtime jungle, with birds and trees and leaves.” They wouldn’t add vehicles or enemies or weapons or crazy shit. Now, they can do that, and it’s just about the perfect game.
ENTER THE MATRIX
FABIO from the past arrives to give us a warning, but is he too late?
SILENT STORM
It’s very polished technically, it just needs someone to inject some soul.
TEMPLE OF ELEMENTAL EVIL
Bill tries really hard to like a game, and fails. Look inside for a hidden surprise!
GAMEBOY THREE PACK REVIEW
Three Gameboy games are reviewed within: Boktai, Mario & Luigi Superstar Saga and Castlevania: Aria of Sorrow.
THRONE OF BHAAL
When fags on BG2 message boards screech “WHEN R THEY GOIN 2 MAKE BG3!??!!?” I just reply with “They already did. It’s called Throne of Bhaal.”
DISGAEA (PS2)
I haven’t played Disgaea in two weeks. The time I would have spent playing this game has been replaced, in a very nearly 1:1 ratio, by furiously searching my room for the disk.
HOMEWORLD II
Don’t.
ICEWIND DALE II
IWD2 is pretty dull. It seems BIS peaked with Baldur’s Gate II, since this game doesn’t have near the same excitement, depth, or fun as BG2 did.
FINAL FANTASY X (PS2)
Subtlety, thy name is Square Soft. Though I haven’t played any of the previous games in this series, and will very likely not be playing any of the future games, I enjoyed the gentle, subdued majesty of a game that names its main villainy thing “Sin”.
BALDUR’S GATE
Your epic story begins in the famous Candlekeep, which is apparently the nerdiest keep along the Sword Coast of the Forgotten Realms. Instead of boasting a large, impressive garrison, it has the biggest library. I’m sure it turns out mythical heroes BY THE PLATOON with credentials like that.
POSTAL 2
I’d like to offer you advice on whether or not to purchase Postal 2. I’d like to, but having paid the suggested retail price of $49.99, I find myself unable to give advice to anyone, on any subject, at any time.
LINKS 2003
I watched Mike Weir rock the United States (effectively making it the eleventh province) on TV and decided it was time for me to play golf again.
DEAD OR ALIVE XTREME BEACH VOLLEYBALL (XBOX)
I love Tomonobu “Tekken 4 is a piece of shit” Itagaki, but when DOAXBV was released, my world fell apart so completely, I actually hated lesbianism for an entire afternoon.
TALES OF THE SWORD COAST
If you happen to be nostalgic – or masochistic – enough to want to play Baldur’s Gate 1 (BG1), then you will want to play this expansion, without question. Since the damned thing comes bundled with BG1 for around $20.00 anyway, you may as well.
ANIMAL CROSSING (GC)
I’m not sure what happened or how it happened, but the game goes from being about getting stoned, decorating your house feng-shui style and fishing to suddenly becoming this horrible nightmare…
ATTAQ IRAQ (war)
Just like everyone else, Caltrops can’t stop talking about cocks, and now, Iraq. In this wild experiment in reviewing, a bunch of Caltrops forum people weigh in with their early thoughts about Attaq Iraq.
XENOSAGA (PS2)
Judging by my senses and perception skills, which are advanced light years beyond any fan of Xenogears or Xenosaga, they spent more time working on the detail of the 12 year old character MOMO’s panties rather than working on a story that makes sense and isn’t so goddamned preachy all the time.
ICEWIND DALE
Ravenous retarded D&D fans ate up any ol’ crap BIS threw at them. Naturally, I count myself among them; Icewind Dale (IWD) was the only game I’ve bought in the last ten years without first reading reviews from a reputable source before purchasing (y’know, like PC Gamer. Stop laughing).
SYSTEM SHOCK 2
Everyone you know tells you that this is one of the greatest games ever made. Everyone you know is a goddamn whore. System Shock 2 is the perfect example of a good concept brought down by poor execution, just like communism.
BALDUR’S GATE II: SHADOWS OF AMN
Baldur’s Gate: Shadows of Amn (BG2) is long. It should have been two or three shorter games. “But Bill, a lot of the game is optional.” Fuck you. You know what else is optional? Paying my electric bill and wiping my ass, neither which I’m any more likely to give up as I will playing through every nook and cranny in an RPG.
HALF LIFE: CHEMICAL EXISTENCE
Creexul and his brother go into the past to attack a fan made and inexplicably fan loved total conversion mod for Half-Life. You know something’s wrong when a mod touts realism up the ass and includes enemies that will take a minimum of four bullets STRAIGHT TO THE HEAD before even reacting.
RYGAR: THE LEGENDARY ADVENTURE (PS2)
You probably wouldn’t expect a game based around a spiked yo-yo wielding Roman gladiator to be a docile affair. Well start expecting it, Buster! This review also makes fun of James Hetfield right in the first paragraph.
BATTLEFIELD 1942
Buy it. Loads of fun, despite the few glaring flaws. Just be warned that it will need a decent system with plenty of ram to be acceptably playable, and that problems like hit detection might be too large to address in any patch.
WARCRAFT III
Here is a game that is pretty cool at first. Eventually it sucks really really hard. It’s really good to build up a huge army and ravage the enemy base, complete the objectives and do all that happy horse SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But then you finish the mission, and it’s like, “hey, where the fuck’s my huge powerful army?”
FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING
As it turns out, Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring (FotR; I’ll underline it for clarity) is based on – get this – the book, whereas The Two Towers (TTT) is based on the film. You see, Black Label (via Universal/Vivendi) has the book license, and EA has the film license. Or something; who fucking cares?
FREEDOM FORCE
The game starts with a revelation that the Earth is the last free planet in the universe. If you find your eyebrows arching up towards your beret at that premise, well, take heed, you dirty fucking beatnik: Irrational decided to start the game out in the 1960s, where commies were responsible for all the evil in the world…
SOUL REAVER 2
Vampires are super strong, turn into mist and bats and wolves, drink people’s blood, are totally immune to bullets and swords, and can get it on with any chick they want because of their hypnotic eyes. Now imagine for a minute the dozens of kickass games you could make featuring any one of those powers.
