Caltrops - Rants - videogamessuck's HL2 review out-slobbers its Doom 3 review.

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by This game i fucking Bill Dungsroman 11/24/2004, 5:15pm PST

Exhibit A for Mandatory Sterilization for the Functionally Retarded.

suislide likes to start off his reviews with a bang (see the equally execrable Doom 3 review). The bang, incidentally, is the sound of your IQ rebounding off the floor as you read his mangled reviews. Dig it:

suislide wrote:

HOLY FUCKING HELL, SHIT ON MY FACE AND HIT IT WITH A WEEDWACKER THIS GAME IS AWESOME. A remake of the original doom with excellent everyhting.

If anyone was wondering if they liked HL2 in our parallel universe where nobody invented spellcheck: well, they liked it.

suislide went to the same Public School for Internet Grandstanding we all did, but he obviously was the straight-D passed to get his ugly mug out the teachers' face type. All-caps half-assed attempts at crudeness (minus any hint of irony or parody), gay jokes, misogyny, and of course, our favorite, pointless antagonism. However, its targetless too, which makes it stupid and embarrasing (instead of bitter and edgy, when we do it).

We'll follow along with suislide, starting with Graphics. Of course he loved 'em, but I didn't realize he, y'know, loved them:

suislide wrote:

Lets start with the sexy ass models. All of them are INCREDIBLE LOOKING, dr kliner, barney, the black dude , and everyones favorite, the hot black chick gordon will shove his HEV ehnaced dick up. I could totally wack and blow my load on the screen thinking its reals. SHE WOULD BE LIKE OH STEVE I LOVE IT.

The worst part of this? That suislide tells me his real first name. That's like .001% less degree of seperation I have with this drooling morphodite now, and it concerns me. Plus, it comes off as him rambling feverishly, pumping his monkey with one hand and typing with the other (that would explain a lot, really) and forgetting that he's even on the internet and going under a nick. A few sentences later:

suislide wrote:

The water refractions OMG *blows load*

Yeah. Although I sort of agree with him, in this instance.

Sound. Sure he liked it, but the fun is not just how much he liked it, but in what way:

suislide wrote:

The voice acting is fucking incredible, it sounds like they aren't saying pre-scripted bullshit, it sounds like they actually talking to you.

If only, ay suislide?

In Gameplay, suislide reveals his game-winning tactics:

suislide wrote:

This game i fucking fly up a ramp with a dune buggy POP 2 GUYS WITH THE KICK ASS MAGNUM LAND DO A ROLL GET OUT AND SHOOT TWO MORE AND THEN SHOOT MYSELF.

Note: when he says "DO A ROLL," I think he's hitting pause and doing something non-game related. Also, he thinks he's kidding with the last bit, but suislide has "GRENADE REBOUNDS BACK IN MY FACE" written all over him.

And, in my ongoing grand tradition of just letting suislide hang himself, here is the Story section in its entirety:

suislide wrote:

The G-man wakes you up and then you meet up with barney who takes you to Kleiner and you try a portal experiment which fucks up because of his head crab, then you unleasher into city 17. You then travel from place to place for various. So far i do not really know much of the story because the gaps arent filled in but IM SURE Gabes chunkiness will fill us and and explain everything. This game kicks ass in almost every aspect

Ha ha, Gabe is fat.

videogamessuck's HL2 review out-slobbers its Doom 3 review. by This game i fucking Bill Dungsroman 11/24/2004, 5:15pm PST NEW

Ah, my first Author Field bungle. Cut and paste blows. by Bill Dungsroman 11/24/2004, 5:16pm PST NEW

Re: Ah, my first Author Field bungle. Cut and paste blows. by Ice Cream Jonsey 09/02/2006, 12:48am PDT NEW

Re: videogamessuck's HL2 review out-slobbers its Doom 3 review. by Kettle 09/02/2006, 3:53am PDT NEW

True dat, nigga. NT by ThA ChRoNiC 09/02/2006, 4:37am PDT NEW

THIS GAME I FUCKING NT by Creexul :( 09/02/2006, 4:45am PDT NEW