Caltrops - Reviews - A Mixed Bag.

Forum Overview :: Reviews

by Fussbett 03/23/2007, 12:25am PDT

Everybody's Tennis (PS2) (Jap)

The best thing about Everybody's Tennis is that it means Claphanz is thinking that they've got an Everybody brand, which can be applied to all sports. And so they should. Unfortunately, where Everybody's Golf (called Hot Shots Golf here) destroyed all golf game peers the second it was pressed, Everybody's Tennis instead enters a genre where Sega has already left a huge Virtua Tennis crater. Rather than refocus the genre, Everybody's Tennis offers a slight difference in gameplay from it's contemporaries: timing is back. Hit the ball perfectly and you'll see a music note and great shot. If you swing too soon a little rabbit appears, too late a little turtle appears, and your shot will clear the net but underperform. Basically it's Namco's Smash Court tennis with a little more handholding and style. Unlike Smash Court, there is no single player game where I rank up and earn money so that I may buy furnishings and decorations for my personal tennis stadium. As such, I lost interest in Everybody's Tennis after only a couple of hours, but I hope they don't give up on the Everybody expansion just because I gave up on them. Everybody's Football is sorely needed.

Check out a trailer.

Dead or Alive (movie)

Bink once told me not to watch a movie that I could download for free. He wasn't arguing from a moral standpoint, he just thought I shouldn't waste my time on a movie that was OBVIOUSLY bad. He was wrong in that case, but I finally caught a glimpse of his way of thought halfway through Dead or Alive. It's easy to click on a torrent link, but just because I can, should I? I attempted to turn off this boring movie once I realized being rated PG was a SERIOUS OBSTACLE between me and entertainment, but then my girlfriend protested. I didn't see that coming at all. She wanted to see it through to the end. During the debate about how she's better at commitment and how I'm afraid to buy a house, we both smiled and said "Is this really about the movie?" After the make-up tickle fight I unpaused the movie and watched most of it to the end. The end is where villain Eric Roberts puts on computer-fed SUNGLASSES that show his eyeballs downloaded fight data so that he can predict his opponent's every punch and kick. Then the sunglasses get knocked off and he loses.

German trailer.

Infocus X1 (projector)

I've been at war with the lights in the parking lot outside my apartment. They're too bright, and watching things like Battlestar made me feel like I'm going fucking blind. I had to crank the brightness on my projector, and those hangar scenes and bright like the sun, while every other scene is pitch black. Fortunately I knew when someone was having a vision because the piano music started. At 1700 hours my projector bulb blew, a full 1300 hours before the expected lifespan. Anyone I talk too about it blames the age. I only use the projector sparingly so that 1700 hours was over 4 years. Still, it's total bullshit. I get a new $300 bulb and suddenly the picture looks AWESOME again. It wasn't the ambient light at all that was causing the problem. It was just that the bulb was slowly dying! Once my excitement subsided, the depression returned, stronger than ever because I realized that not only did the bulb blow at 1700 hours, but it also got dimmer and dimmer until then, so gradually I didn't notice. I didn't EVEN get 1700 of quality picture out of that fucking bulb. That's brutal. I will buy a giant TV next time.

Tenacious D and the Pick of Destiny (movie)

The first six minutes (after the THX parody) is AMAZING. The whole movie should've been a musical. Dave Grohl playing the devil is pretty good too.

Clutch, "From Beale Street to Oblivion" (music)

Another disappointing Clutch release as they add more and more blues towards their goal of becoming a modern day ZZ Top. The album is "mature", once again. It doesn't get all abrasive or caustic or funny or any of those other juvenile fun things. Even the guitar tones are warm and fuzzy. Any time the music comes crushing back in, the sound is wrapped in moving blankets, so as to not scratch the elevator walls. Unlike the last releases I can't even listen to one song to remind me of the old days. There is no Mob Goes Wild, nor even a Burning Beard. The best track is maybe "Power Player". I guess the problem is me, now. I should stop expecting to have my life improved by a Clutch CD, the way they improved my 1992 to 2000.

Listen to Electric Worry.

Klaxons, "Myths of the Near Future" (music)

UK hype! I'll be charitable and agree that maybe the first 4 songs are MDMAzing^TM, but song 5 is mediocre and then the rest of the album is GHBoring.

Babel (movie)

The conceit around which one third of this movie is based is as follows: a hot teenaged Japanese girl is horny but cannot get laid. Even flashing her pussy in public doesn't do the trick. Why? Because she's a deaf mute. That ridiculousness aside, this movie takes a long time to deliver this message: Let's be nicer to each other, ok? There, now you don't have to see this awful piece of shit. Where was Bink to warn me about this one?

Kim K Superstar (porn)

Kim Kardashian is hot, and this is her sex tape. What could go wrong? What if I told you she never takes the bra off her massive tits? Repeated footage stretches the 15 minutes of decent material to 40.

INC: I think she's bordering on too Persian for me :(
Sanitario666: well la dee da
INC: sorry, it's a big problem out here
INC: chicks who look hot but then turn out to be total bitches AND then turn out not to even be that hot
Sanitario666: How do they fool you?
INC: careful hair styling and clothes
Sanitario666: bitches
INC: then later you realize they have a huge nose or weird lips or facial hair or something
INC: persians :(
Sanitario666: I think Kim has already gotten those things taken care of.
Sanitario666: http://deansplanet.com/images/celebs/broads/kim_kardashian/kim_kardashian-rack_01.jpg
INC: plus they are all, without fail, completely stuck-up bitches

Sounds like someone once got SHUT DOWN by a Persian! I'm sure Kim Kardashian is also stuck up, but technically she's a combination of Armenian and Irish. Plus she lets Ray J finish in her mouth. So she's somewhat accommodating.